INTRODUCTION These recipes are the result of years of hard labor, personal risk, and great treachery. To get these recipes involved savage coercion and brutality. Once I almost killed a man just to learn the secret of his fondue. And now, for the first time ever, I literally drag these guarded treasures from their steel-lock boxes for your own pleasure and amusement. During my cruel retreat at Club Fed, I observed two main types of eaters. The first and smaller group is the prison gourmets. These folks take great pride in cooking. Their delicious banquet spreads are part of a larger cultural ritual. Ethnic groups, such as Latinos and Asians, often celebrate a rich culture of good food that is carried over into prison life. Here, it is a part of their regular social cohesion. To see this type of eater cooking is like watching a chef at work in a bistro. Producing a meal may take all afternoon and involve a small army of participants. They can be seen around the microwave stirring, taking a taste of this and adding a pinch of that. The result is extraordinary fare, but there are downsides. Prison gourmets do not settle for the usual commissary items, they use special channels to get special ingredients. Utilizing contacts across the compound, they come up with a full array of fresh meats, cheeses, vegetables and spices that others may have trouble getting. Their utensils and cookware are also contraband. Another downside, for the average schlub, is that this style of cooking takes a long time. The other common type of eater (the largest group) is the lazy uncreative fraternal type. These people just kick in whatever they have lying around and make a communal pile. The stuff is all blended together and doled out in bowls. The typical ingredients are roast beef, turkey log, canned chili, refried beans, cheese spread, and onions, all melted over chips. This nameless potluck comfort food is usually pretty good. But it, too, has downsides. It is easy for this style of cooking to become a big fiasco. It is never clear who contributed what, if anything, and who is suppose to cook or clean. Another problem is that people are not all hungry at the same time or for the same exact thing. The potluck method gets old, too. After all, it's just the same old ingredients reshuffled in differing volumes. Aside from these few small objections there is nothing particularly wrong with either type of eater. If either of these two scenarios appeals to you, then federal prison